When it comes to extramarital affairs, situations can be very complicated as both have commitment ring attached to their ring fingers.
This is especially true as when you are married your relationship can involve a lot more people more mutual friends, merging of both families, even kids. Even so, statistically cheating is one of the biggest problems that can happen in a relationship.
I can write this as i have seen this and heard from both sides,interacted on different levels and the reactions..This is my understanding of the subject. when I ask the reason behind this so called friends (of course, he/ she was married). Now surprisingly they gave me all reasons and excuses why they thought It was a compromise towards life and what one lacks in a marriage is fulfilled by another , to keep their family’s going. In short, sex with no morality, with reasons of sticking in a marriage and having sexual rendezvous’s elsewhere.. and back with their family’s they pretend to be someone else. A life with no values and morals, but consider themselves to be the holiest. Often they say the same reasons to justify their act.
I don’t know if I am going to last long with her/him, we never have sex anymore are never so compatible…. I am compromising for my child… he/she is this or that ?
Look, I think everyone in the world knows when they are cheating. Put it simply when you are involved in any of these activities: sending email.. when she/he is asleep, secret phone calls and hiding the mobile phones, phone in silent mode and names of opposite genders stored in diff names..or some carry a seperate prepaid phone which switch off when they are with their partners, sneaking around just to visit, secret meeting place or even secret holiday house or family friends or at times business partners…
Being a logical person, I normally weigh up advantages and disadvantages before committing to any decisions. I will not deny it, extramarital affair does feel good in the beginning, but why don”t you weigh up the consequences? Ask yourself the question: ˜is it really worth it?… And usually, even the best part of an affair is very temporary while the damages that can be done are huge!
Okay, these are some of the things you will say in the beginning of the affair:
1. Ooh it is so exciting and dangerous “ imagine what would happen if my wife/husband finds out.
2. I feel like I am back in my 20 “s again!
3. I don”t know why and how other men resist to this mysterious secret affair
4.He/ she is the Real one for me. Wish we met before ? but now how sad for both as its a huge sacrifice they are doing for the happiness of many involved. That is their spouses / children/ parents.. Its better than getting divorced as ” Divorce is a social stigma and my kids will suffer “..but will one like if your kids also did the same in their future.. ??
5. He/she is so understanding and caring, unlike my husband/ wife who can”t even cook!
Well, what usually happens after a short while later?
(When you start getting used to the affair)
1. I don”t know what happens if I get caught! What if my kids know? ( self realization )
2. I am risking my marriage and the reality is: I don”t have a chance to compete to those who are really in their twenties (realization of maturity)
3. What if my secret partner cant keep a secret? ( fear )
5. What if my secret affair is posted on YouTube, face book, who knows? ( self respect)
If you don”t have those questions, picture it in your head now. Weigh up the good versus the bad before you enter an extramarital affair.
Some people might need things to be written in black and white? Okay !! well get a pen and write things up in a piece of paper. Put what the advantages you can get from your extramarital affair versus the disadvantages.
Stick to fact!
Having an extramarital affair is the solution for a bad marriage?
It can be a life-changing event, regardless of whether you stay married or not is again a question . Is it the best option ?
Inescapable feelings can come over both people who live through an extramarital affair that will never be forgotten by either of them or for the ones who are used to it… becomes more of a way of life.. The person who actually had the extramarital affair can have feelings of guilt, confusion and misdirection along with many other feelings.
The ‘partner’ who did not have the extramarital affair can have these feelings as well, but the lack of confidence that can come as a result of the other person having an extramarital affair can be one of the toughest parts to deal with. Another thing is, put yourself in your partner”s shoes. What if you are the one being cheated on? How would you feel?
The feelings that come as a result of one or both parties having a extramarital affair are natural but can also be extensions of something much deeper. Of course, if someone has an extramarital affair, both people in that marriage will have feelings that will be on a deeper level only at first. …Arguments can occur, denial may set in, and/or tempers can flare due to the extramarital affair. While these things are only natural and to be expected,
Weigh all this up, or if you KNOW you are committing to an affair and you just don’t know how to get out or escape .. make sure you take some lessons on : Extramarital affairs: How to get out of it? and never use another friend who is a innocent target ( maybe a single/ divorced) as means to escape from the guilt.
People in marriages don’t often look at having extramarital affairs lightly, and they realize most times what affects their actions will have on their marriage. If someone has an extramarital affair and doesn’t think that it will have an affect on their marriage, surely they are either in denial or their definition of marriage leans strongly towards the “open” side. For the rest of the married crowd who don’t come under the category of an “open” marriage and who have to deal with an extramarital affair, things can get a bit more complex.
Living with guilt..and under constant pressure is really not worth …as one needs to find way of escape also . ( Never forget that everyday is not a party day .. ) But most find it convenient to blame it on a friend rather than being honest , most in such relationships are women/ men with low moral values who live at the edge with guilt and fear, so when they are not honest to their partners, how can one expect them to value friends ?
Fear blurs your vision and the mind does not work. Little do they realize they have thought of themselves to be super smart, adventurous and in the bargain are the victims of their own created circumstances.
And lastly, for women who are involved in such relationships, maligning or using the name / blame on any other as a escape route or to boost ones insecurity towards their morality or to prove yourself ” A FORM OF PURITY, BUT VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCES”.
The escape route or the friend , a third party may sometimes be a friend of the family or a college friend or a new friend (single, divorced, widow) is always the easy target and used as a punching bag most times. Society is biased , vindictive and malicious and without reason, a divorced woman is given a Trophy
” A woman who has no moral values, she sleeps around or maybe accused of sleeping around for her livelihood, or a lesbian, she deserves this, or a man eater , keep your partner away”.. or for a man it can be, he is the worst, as he was a wife beater, or he was jobless or he was no good, or he is a womaniser. ..
How does one conclude such things without knowing the reality. This is called being judgemental.
So one who is cheating on their partner is with high moral values ?
This is beyond me or maybe the right step in the modern world of compromise and I am still living in the stone age…To me this situation has no empathy..
Accusing or using the name of another friend without her knowledge is the worst as one is maligning another for no fault, without understanding the pain of another ( friend). Maybe the friend who is single, , divorce maybe in his/ her own pain as , leaving your partner after the affair is not as simple as it sounds.
People, especially women ( sometimes man) have feelings and deep inside you may (or may not) crave for your old husband / partner , the one who you fell in love with, whom you marry in the first place or who left you for no fault or reasons unknown. This can be again another subject of their traumas and emotional problems. ( one is adding more pain and grief to another who is herself in pain)
Remember they have (may not) not chosen the compromise path, of swinging both ways.
Is this the healthy way to pamper ones sexual fantasys in the name of a bad marriage!! Reasons of sticking and compromise is all untrue and false. If one is unhappy compromise by changing yourself and making things work rather than getting into a another (man/ woman ) bed.
And when you are in a cornered position, use your brains ( which does not function ), and never try using anyone to escape as that is not escape rather its heading to a disastrous journey which was a pleasure of few minutes…!!
Gosh! You must have more internal compartments in your brain than Mr. Einstein. I’d like to meet you and have you. Especially for the fact of being able to articulate what I would feel and felt feel under the same circumstances. I did have lots to say and these seem to describe the feelings I have had . But I doubt that the late father of my children had any inkling of the matter discussed. I suppose not all cannot reach that deeper understanding you and me have. Thanks to God for this chance to hear you out.
By: Concepcion Cidro on February 15, 2011
at 6:23 pm
Gosh! I remember this a bit. But I am sorry for I almost fell into sin in my hurried desire to have you, not knowing whether this sort of confession was coming from a he or a she. It was a slip of the tongue brought about by my admiration for a person able to minutely define both male and female emotions who are caught in a somewhat uncompromising situations regarding the affairs of the hearts. I would say you are a romantic person who could be the delight of a partner who has an equal awareness of his/her partner’s feelings. .I know it is immoral to desire or care to have anyone if he/she is already tied to another. It is the worst that can happen to me, in this age when I may be meeting my physical demise and may soon face the Creator of all. I would not doubt that writing such a lengthy treatise on this ones predicament will certainly lessen the load being carried, especially if someone commenting understands this writer’s misery. I would not even treat that as a misery. I would call that a fact of life. It happens perhaps that when two gets together, they seem to belong to each other in love. But as they live longer, one of them outgrows the other not physically though, but perhaps spiritually that in turn begets a sense of value that alienates him/her from the other. But I would say one’s ability to compromise with this husband/wife’s shortcomings especially when there’s no way out, is the virtue that will bring one to everlasting happiness in heaven with God. In the group I am in, it is not a sin to separate from a partner married to one. But he/she is not allowed to remarry. If he/she does marry a new partner, adultery or concubinage is committed, and he/she will be thrown out of the organization. It is not so much the breaking of the sacrament, as the numerous lives made unhappy, as a result of adultery or concubinage. It is not just the disruption or the embarrassment that is the issue, but the pain of all the members affected in this kind of situation. I would say, it is one’s lot made irrevocable by the vow the two have pledged with each other, and as it looks good in society, where the family lives, I am sure it is endurable. As the saying goes, we can’t have it all. A very good advice for a couple in trouble is to enter as members in the church of God, international. They could get the best advice from the presiding minister. This is the best remedy for a couple in trouble. I don’t have to introduce anyone. There is a world wide bible exposition and group indoctrination every now and then. One can get answers for questions anywhere one would be, through “The Old Path” or Ang Dating Daan” on TV and http://www.esoriano.wordpress.com. It would be ideal if both she/he will be watching. Of course he/she would get revolted by the fact he/she may have the financial capacities to plug down the unhappiness that might result in her/his desire to gallivant, should she/he loses self respect. But trust me, I have heard partners who, (in spite of being offered billions), would prefer to kill because of pride or love, or possession as the case may be. So, if one cannot settle for perfect or better love life, remember, it is better to see many more summers and winters with the more understanding members of the family and friends than be a gonner because of wrath. To God be the glory.
By: Concepcion Cidro on October 17, 2011
at 6:15 am